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23 December 2015 15 comments

"Deck The Halls With Blah Blah Blah Blah, Yadda Yadda Yadda Ya-Ya-Ya..."

Correspondence Bicycles Monthly highlights Urban Cycling Stories
By Bike Snob NYC
"Deck The Halls With Blah Blah Blah Blah, Yadda Yadda Yadda Ya-Ya-Ya..."

When last we met, my son and I were enjoying a post-Thanksgiving ride just north of the city:

Well, about a week and a half later, a wild car chase ended with police fatally shooting the driver mere yards from this spot:

Now you're all caught up.

Anyway, we're hopscotching right on through the holidays here on Old Man Brooks's Blog Of Cycling Curiosities, and next up on the agenda is Christmas, an obscure Judeo-Christian gift-giving holiday that's sort of like Hanukkah only with more seasonally appropriate aesthetics:

We live in an age of e-commerce and rapid order fulfillment, yet I still make a point of doing at least a token amount of my holiday shopping by bicycle, because there's nothing quite like riding into the city on a crisp December day and stuffing freshly-purchased gifts into a backpack to put you into the Christmas spirit.

Indeed, clad in my John Boultbee Criterion Jacket I was like a foppish Santa Claus, and here was my sleigh:

Midtown Manhattan is arguably the bike-theft capital of the planet, which is why any New York City cyclist worth his or her pretentious cycling jacket has a dedicated "lock-up" bike. This is mine. Astute readers will note certain features meant to thwart thieves. For example, the color scheme is a form of camouflage that allows predators to mistake it for a Citi Bike:

Also, you can't go leaving a Brooks Cambium unsecured, and so I've installed a custom theft-prevention system:

It's made of the finest materials (an old chain and an old inner tube), it requires a special key to open, and I plan on mass-marketing the system to the cycling world in 2016:

Keep an eye out for my Kickstarter campaign. (Fundraising goal: $500,000.)

Thusly equipped and attired, I took to the bike path and pointed my bike downtown:

Where I encountered my first obstacle in the form of the Harlem River bridges:

And I'm pleased to report that despite the "reduced vertical clearance" I once again managed to pass under them without decapitating myself:

(Reduced from what, infinity?)

It's been unseasonably warm here in New York City so far (global warming we're all gonna die yadda yadda yadda), yet the usual signs of Christmas abounded so it was easy to slip into the holiday spirit. These signs include sidewalk Christmas tree lots:

UPS commandeering the bike lane for gift delivery:

And of course rampant selfie stick usage:

See my shadow in the lower left corner? I like to think I wound up in the background of their selfie, taking my own selfie:

It's like an ouroboros of self-absorbed behavior.

Exiting Central Park, I was now in Midtown, and I rounded the corner at the Plaza Hotel:

Where moneyed travelers from around the world come for a chance to door New York City cyclists:

Either that, or he's attempting to escape the cab from the traffic side because he's too cheap to tip the bellhop for opening the door for him:

Here's some inspiring office building art:

The candy cane desperately clinging to the edge of the building with its unscalable curved glass facade represents the complete absence of upward mobility in 21st century America, and the manner in which we're all hanging on for dear life:

Merry Christmas!

Turning onto Fifth Avenue, I was now on one of the most exclusive retail strips in the world, and my Criterion Jacket felt about as exclusive as a Members Only. It's also one of the most alliterative retail strips anywhere. There was Bergdorf Goodman:

And Bulgari:

(All that money on decorations yet they can't correct the typo on the sign?!?)

And Henri Bendel:

And of course Bilbo Baggins's Bauble Boutique:

And let's not forget De Beers, where I purchased Item #1 on my shopping list, that being a $50,000 blood diamond:

Item #2 is a $20,000 coat of 100% anally electrocuted fox fur.

As you get further downtown on 5th Avenue, the alliteration drops off precipitously, and so does the status of the retailers--until you reach the very dregs of commerce and the sorts of shops no self-respecting person would ever deign visit:

Yeah, don't think we've forgotten, Oakley:

Human rights violations and animal cruelty is one thing, but that's just criminal.

But Fifth Avenue isn't just a shopping mall for oligarchs and white collar criminals. It's also the home of some of New York's most tourist-ridden holiday landmarks, such as St. Patrick's Cathedral:

And of course Rockefeller Center, where they put up that big tree every year:

Indeed, there's so much to dazzle and delight the rubes that even Santa himself goes virtually unnoticed:

(Santa's suit is trimmed with 100% anally electrocuted fox fur.)

Given all this you might think there's nothing "gritty" or "authentic" about Fifth Avenue, but you'd be wrong. See, it's not just shopping and selfie sticks. It's also Manhattan's quintessential cycling drag strip:

We take it seriously, too:

That's some intimidating equipment:

All he needs are those Oakley shades.

A lot of factors come together to make Fifth Avenue the thrill ride that it is. It's wide. It's straight. It's one way. The traffic lights are timed for cars, which means you've got to hustle if you want to catch the greens. It's also a roiling sea of taxi cabs, yellow and green like the discharge of someone with a urinary infection:

See, what happens is passengers point and blurt out, "I wanna go there, stop there!," and the drivers just pull over without warning. That's what happened right here:

Fortunately I was able to take evasive action, though I did scratch the letters "F-U" into the window glass with my blood diamond.

Yes, it takes street smarts to survive in this down. That's why I always make sure to lock my bike next to another one with a more stealable Brooks:

Granted, I also took the more vulnerable curbside spot where your bike is liable to get mangled by a speeding bus, but everything's a trade-off:

Of course, sometimes another Brooks isn't available, in which case you take your chances:

Whereas other times there's a Brooks that's so tricked out it makes your unadorned one practically invisible:

Anyway, after helping myself to the contents of his flask I headed homeward, my backpack and my liver both brimming with holiday cheer:

See you next year!

Comments
It appears that Mr. Flask has a broken bar-end shifter.
Paul H 23 May 2016 at 19:08
You know, you could have died from drinking from that flask...or grown real tall.
Four Hour Erection 23 May 2016 at 19:08
I got nothing (for Christmas)

Cheers
JLalalaRB 23 May 2016 at 19:08
Dude,
Love the anally electrocuted fox fur! I'll look for it in Boulder, CO...
P. Licavoli 23 May 2016 at 19:08
My dog informs me that his new lock up bike is <a href="https://twitter.com/leroys_dog/status/679656622642302976" rel="nofollow"> a pony.</a>

He wants a Brooks saddle for it.
leroy 23 May 2016 at 19:08
Merry Christmas!
Spencer 23 May 2016 at 19:08
Another satisfying Brooks Scuffing.. cheers Wildcat
Pode Eium 23 May 2016 at 19:08
I'm not even a thief, but if I saw an security system like that guarding such an upscale saddle, I would be tempted to defeat it just to send a message about how many people are really carrying chain tools around.
Chris 23 May 2016 at 19:08
Is that a game of Pooh Sticks going on in the first photo?
A. A. Milne 23 May 2016 at 19:09
Isn't this like the second time in a couple weeks you've used "ouroboros"? Somebody's been building his word power!
some guy upstate 23 May 2016 at 19:09
Happy Holidays to you and your army of flat changing kids.
Anon at 747 23 May 2016 at 19:09
Loved these pics Mr. Snob. And the short snobbish narrative. Have a great New Year.
Joe (older biker from Brooklyn) 23 May 2016 at 19:09
Merry Christmas y'all
Pat Posadas 23 May 2016 at 19:09
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, or whatever (in)appropriate salutation won't offend…

I especially like the ironic bicycle wheel painted on the van speeding by at 23rd St.
NHcycler 23 May 2016 at 19:09
Boogers.
ericbikeco 23 May 2016 at 19:09